Heading Home
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“Heading Home” By Dan Schifeling ~ August 8, 2004 That first night Barry says nothing to anyone. He picks up Ginger after her afternoon shift as usual. At Tom’s Diner he is withdrawn. “What’s the matter?” Ginger asks. “Nothing. Nothing’s the matter... I called up Frank, they won’t budge on the financing. Twenty years I never lost a dime. Now I’m a new customer?” “It’ll work out eventually.” “I just don’t want to talk about it.” They eat in silence. Barry pays and drops Ginger off at the apartment. He isn’t ready to go home so he takes a drive. South of Buffalo, the land meets Lake Erie in rolling hills that rise to the Niagara escarpment. Barry drives down Route 5, following the lakefront through small villages, then stretches of open country. Cigarette smoke spirals up from his ashtray. The road becomes a kaleidoscope, easing his mind. Barry feels he could drive forever. Much later that night at his own house, Barry has trouble sleeping. Six to nine months the doctor had said. He could try chemotherapy. It might help a little. But Barry should think about getting his affairs in order... Fifty-six years old... Barry climbs out of bed and pads downstairs to the deck for a smoke. Later he finally falls asleep on the couch only to wake with a start. He’d been dreaming. In the dream he is shot out of a canon. He makes a long arc upwards into a brilliant blue sky. Then he peaks and begins to fall helplessly, soundlessly... Days pass. Barry has no one to talk to. Divorced twenty-five years ago, his ex-wife moved to Ohio with his sons. Vacations, a couple of weeks in the summer... Barry lost touch with them. They grew. They started families of their own. He barely knows them... Ginger he knows better. She works at one of his car washes. She’s divorced, too. Has a twelve year old son who lives in the apartment that Barry helps pay for. Barry needs her. She’s attractive, funny... she calms him down and gives him something to do besides work. Does he love her? He doesn’t think about that. Barry has lost his faith, or maybe never found it. His dad was not a churchgoer. His mom took him to Sunday School, until his dad left them and she began to work on Sundays. Barry knows how Jesus was born and what they say happened to him when he died, but now he wishes he knew more. All alone, he tries talking to Ginger when she comes over to his house. “Ginger, I’ve been seeing a doctor.” “You have? Why?” “I just haven’t been feeling right. Tired. Sort of like I have the flu. I felt that way for months, but I thought it’d go away. It won’t, though. The doc says I’ve got colon cancer.” “Cancer? Barry, why didn’t you tell me about this?” “I didn’t want to upset you. I didn’t know what to say.” “I am upset! Six years we’ve been together and you couldn’t tell me? That’s what I mean to you?... Is it serious?” “I don’t know. I don’t feel that bad. But the doctor said the cancer has spread... that I should get things in order, like I might not have much time... I’m sorry, Ginger...” What!” Ginger comes round the table, sits down beside him, puts her arms around him, crying. “Barry, this can’t be true. You can’t leave me! Do you know this doctor is right? Have you had a second opinion?” “He’s a specialist, Gin. He works at Roswell. He ought to know... The thing is... I’m... I’m not ready to die... I’m just not ready yet...” “Barry! You sound like you’ve given up already... You’re not going to die, alright! You just can’t!” “No, Ginger, just listen for a minute... I’ve got to say this to somebody... I’ve been thinking about this so much since I got the news. Gin, I’ve never really loved anybody in my whole life... Maybe my mother... But if I loved her, it’s because she’s the only one I’ve ever trusted... Gin, it’s so hard for me to trust anything and I’ve never let myself love anyone and if I die now...” Ginger hits him hard on the chest with her open hand. Well you could start with me! You never say you love me! “I want to... I just think that if I do then... you’ll leave, so I don’t say it...” “Barry, that’s so screwed up! I want you to love me...” “I know. I can’t help it. The only way I know is to control things. But I can’t control this. I’m having these dreams, Gin. I dream of falling. I can’t stop falling. I can’t even call out...” “Barry...” Ginger puts her head on his shoulder and cries. Barry cries, too. When they are quieter Ginger says, “Barry, your mother. You said you loved your mother.” “I guess I did.” “Why?” “Maybe I thought she couldn’t leave me. My dad left. But my mom stayed. My mom had something I wish I had now...” “What?” “Faith... My mom had faith and it made her tough. You know she came from Missouri. Well, she grew up in a this tiny town of 400. Met my father when he was in the army at Fort Leonardwood, and came to Buffalo with him after the war. Got pregnant with me right away. But even after my dad left, she stayed in Buffalo. She only had a few friends, but she didn’t want to raise me in a small town... Thought there wasn’t enough there for me... “Anyway, my mom believed in God. She went to church. When she died, she was absolutely at peace. She said she already knew where she was going because she had been there before.” “How did she know that?” “When I was born, she almost died... I never knew what to make of this story, but after I was born, they didn’t get all of her placenta out. She got infected and went into a comma. While she was out of it, she said she went to heaven. I asked her what it was like, and she didn’t describe much. She just said that she was completely peaceful. That she felt this incredible love and light and that she never wanted to leave... Boy, I haven’t thought about this in years, but it’s nice to think of it now... So my mom was always a believer...” “And if you believed like her?” “Then I might not be so afraid right now...” This is the longest personal conversation Barry has ever had with anyone. The next day he withdraws and won’t say much. But he is closer to Ginger. And he is closer to his mom and to God... Seen from God’s perspective, life has given him a gift. Because he doesn’t have much time, he is wrestling with all that he learned to run from since he was a small boy. Seen from Barry’s perspective, his mother has given him a gift. She’s placed in him a seed of faith. Whether it grows and blossoms fully is up to him. All of us, whether we choose to see it or not, are heading home. Like Barry, the people who raised us, and even those who came before them, have sown seeds of faith that rest in our souls. Like Barry, the turn of our lives gives us chances to develop what they have sown in us. And as Barry discovers, when we take a step towards finding faith, a mysterious power of love appears that weaves its way, creating connections that transcend space and time. Thanks be to God! Amen.